Boundary Violations in Psychotherapy – A Personal Case Study – My Therapist Needed a Good Therapist but Used Me Instead

Boundary Violations – A Simple Intro

It is fundamental that anyone who goes to a therapist is there to get help with their own problems, not to be a solution to the therapist’s. That’s not how it turned out in this case. Here’s a little explainer on boundaries and why they’re important in therapy.

Background on Terminology, Outside Sources
Things I Know About My Former Therapist (But Shouldn’t)

Here is a short and incomplete list of things that I know about my former therapist.

Facts of the Case, Includes Recordings
Who I Am, Why I’m Writing This

Patients aren’t usually the authors of case studies, but I thought it was important to document how this happened, the impact these boundary violations had on me, and some of the flags I missed along the way.

Narrative of the Case
The Beginning

Everyone wonders what their therapist thinks of them. Mostly, we want to know if they think we’re normal. Sometimes we want to know if we’re their favorite patient. I now had some idea: she wanted me to like her.

Narrative of the Case
Sam Suggests an Affair

When is it ok for your therapist to tell you your marriage, which you’re there in part to work on, is weak? When is it ok for her to suggest that you have an affair?

Narrative of the Case
Sam Wants to Talk About Our Relationship

In the summer of 2020, during the Covid pandemic, Sam wanted to discuss our relationship. I objected, stating that our interactions were strictly professional. Despite this, she continued to insist on the existence of a relationship, referencing psychoanalytic concepts like transference and countertransference. One of the cruxes of this story is Sam’s ability (or inability) to manage her own countertransference.

Background on Terminology, Matt’s Theorizing, Narrative of the Case
In Which I Have Two Dreams

I am a vivid dreamer and Sam was a prolific note-taker of my dreams. After all her pushing about our “relationship,” she finally appeared in two dreams of mine, which I’ll recount here.

Includes Primary Material, Narrative of the Case
“Sometimes what feels like love is just love.” — Sam

In which I develop feelings for Sam and tell her I’m having transference, which she dismisses, telling me it’s just love.

Includes Recordings, Narrative of the Case, Outside Sources
“I love You. I am Deeply Immersed With You.” — Sam

The relationship with Sam became blurred as she used suggestive language and pushed for more frequent, insurance-questionable sessions. Our dynamic came to a head when Sam admitted to seductive behavior and told me she loved me.

Facts of the Case, Includes Primary Material, Includes Recordings, Narrative of the Case
Why I Started Recording

My struggle with confusion in the therapeutic relationship’s power imbalance. I recorded sessions to regain clarity about what was said, ultimately realizing my perceptions were valid. The recordings offer proof of their experiences, highlighting the importance of trusting one’s feelings in therapy.

Narrative of the Case

Unlike a typical blog, this is written in chapter form. Start at the top and read posts downward to follow the story.

This is the story of how a female psychotherapist told me she loved me, a 53 year old professional male, causing a sever emotional breakdown and then reversing roles and treating me like I was her therapist. It includes recordings of sessions, contemporaneous emails, texts, and some of her notes, and a certain amount of theorizing. While all the facts here are absolutely true and corroborated, I do some layman’s theorizing about why she may have treated me the way she did.

This story is here to help others who may find themselves in, or sliding towards, a similar situation in the hopes that you can rescue yourself before you wind up where I did.