What I wish I had known before it started. What I think should change so therapists are actually held accountable to the people they harm.
What I Know Now
Author: Matt
I am a survivor of therapist abuse. I'm here to share my story because while I was going through the worst of it, I couldn't find stories similar to mine -- male patient, female therapist -- and felt more alone than I needed to be. I am here to share and offer a way for others to share their stories as well.
PS: The Apology I Wish I’d Gotten
I wrote the apology I wished my therapist had had the courage to write. It's long, it's theoretical, and writing it was the point.
Aftermath: Harm and Recovery
What happened after I left — the diagnosis, the new therapist, and what recovery from a therapist's boundary violations actually requires.
The System Failed
I filed a complaint with New York's licensing board. Despite recordings, falsified notes, and an expert opinion, they found insufficient evidence. Here's what that process is like.
Turns Out Sam Faked Her Notes
When my attorney requested my therapist's session notes, what we found was that she had falsified them. Here's what that looked like.
Why I Didn’t Leave Sooner
Everyone asks why I didn't leave sooner. It's the wrong question — but I'll answer it anyway.
The Last Waltz
I made my exit and never spoke to her again. This is how it ended.
How Much Gaslighting Before You Go Up In Smoke?
Our sessions devolved into arguments. She denied saying things she had said. I couldn't make her stop, and I couldn't make myself leave.
In Which We See Each Other In Person
After months of video sessions, I drove to her office in Connecticut to see what it would be like to be in the room with her again. It was the beginning of the end.
Three Months of Hell
We went back to twice-weekly sessions. Sam disclosed more and more. The more she disclosed, the closer I felt — and the more confused and trapped.
An Expert Weighs In
Dr. Paul Appelbaum, one of the country's leading forensic psychiatrists, reviewed the evidence and concluded my therapist had markedly deviated from her professional obligations.
The First Next Session
Despite wanting to end it, I went back. Sam persuaded me to continue. What followed was worse than what came before.
Letter to Sam
I wrote my therapist a goodbye letter. It didn't stick — which is why there are 14 more chapters after this one.
My Breakdown
What a nervous breakdown actually looks and feels like from the inside, triggered not by a life event but by the person who was supposed to prevent one.
Why I Started Recording
I started secretly recording my therapy sessions because I could no longer trust my own memory of what she said. In New York, one-party consent makes this legal.
“I love You. I am Deeply Immersed With You.” — Sam
My therapist told me she loved me. She said we needed to figure out what we were going to do. What I did was have a nervous breakdown.
“Sometimes what feels like love is just love.” — Sam
I told my therapist I was experiencing transference. She told me it wasn't transference. She said sometimes what feels like love is just love.
In Which I Have Two Dreams
I was a vivid dreamer. My therapist was a prolific note-taker of my dreams. After months of pushing about our "connection," she finally appeared in two of them.
Sam Wants to Talk About Our Relationship
My therapist kept bringing up "who we are to each other." I kept saying: you're my therapist. She kept not accepting that answer.
Sam Suggests an Affair
My therapist told me my marriage was weak, then suggested I was creative enough to have an affair. I hadn't asked. I had no one in mind. She volunteered it.
The Beginning
I started seeing my therapist in 2018 with three reasonable goals. Within a year, she was upset that I didn't think we'd have been friends. That's where this story really starts.
Who I Am, Why I’m Writing This
I'm a normal middle-aged man who went to therapy for normal reasons and ended up with PTSD. This is why I decided to write about it.
Things I Know About My Former Therapist (But Shouldn’t)
A list of personal details my therapist shared with me over years of sessions. Every item on this list is something she never should have told me.
Boundary Violations – A Simple Intro
What therapist boundary violations actually are, why they cause real harm, and why a patient — not a clinician — is telling this story. With audio.