PS: The Apology I Wish I’d Gotten

I wrote the apology I wish Sam had had the courage to write to me. (Warning, really long and totally theoretical.)

Three Months of Hell

We went back to twice weekly sessions, but it only made things worse as Sam disclosed more and more, making me feel closer and closer as she both implied and explicitly spoke about our intimate relationship.

An Expert Weighs In

The professional judgement of Dr. Paul Appelbaum, a world renown forensic psychologist, with opinions as to how Sam "markedly deviated" from her responsibilities as a therapist.

The First Next Session

Despite my initial desire to end things, Sam persuades me to continue seeing her. What a mistake.

Letter to Sam

My goodbye letter to Sam. (Spoiler, it didn't stick, and that's why there's more of this blog.)

“I love You. I am Deeply Immersed With You.” — Sam

The relationship with Sam became blurred as she used suggestive language and pushed for more frequent, insurance-questionable sessions. Our dynamic came to a head when Sam admitted to seductive behavior and told me she loved me.

“Sometimes what feels like love is just love.” — Sam

In which I develop feelings for Sam and tell her I'm having transference, which she dismisses, telling me it's just love.

In Which I Have Two Dreams

I am a vivid dreamer and Sam was a prolific note-taker of my dreams. After all her pushing about our "relationship," she finally appeared in two dreams of mine, which I'll recount here.

Sam Wants to Talk About Our Relationship

In the summer of 2020, during the Covid pandemic, Sam wanted to discuss our relationship. I objected, stating that our interactions were strictly professional. Despite this, she continued to insist on the existence of a relationship, referencing psychoanalytic concepts like transference and countertransference. One of the cruxes of this story is Sam's ability (or inability) to manage her own countertransference.

The Beginning

Everyone wonders what their therapist thinks of them. Mostly, we want to know if they think we're normal. Sometimes we want to know if we're their favorite patient. I now had some idea: she wanted me to like her.

Who I Am, Why I’m Writing This

Patients aren’t usually the authors of case studies, but I thought it was important to document how this happened, the impact these boundary violations had on me, and some of the flags I missed along the way.

Boundary Violations – A Simple Intro

It is fundamental that anyone who goes to a therapist is there to get help with their own problems, not to be a solution to the therapist’s. That's not how it turned out in this case. Here's a little explainer on boundaries and why they're important in therapy.